PARENTING: 80% CONNECTION & 20% GUIDANCE
back to school
Goal Setting
This is a great ‘back to school’ nudge for a clear direction towards the year.
Why is goal setting so beneficial?
Goals help you prioritize what is really important for you.
Help you think positive about the things you ‘can’ do *growth mindset
Makes you push yourself in the direction you want to go in
How can we achieve these goals?
If your child chooses a performance goal for the new school year such as being a better ‘Better Note Taker’ or having ‘ Better Organizational Skills’ and a personal goal such as ‘ spending more time outdoors & exercising’
HERE ARE SOME QUESTIONS TO ASK
Why is this goal important to me?
How realistic is this?
Why have I chosen these goals?
How am I going to work towards this?
The most effective way to secure these goals is to write all of this down on a poster, a new journal, an excel sheet or whatever works
USE THESE EFFECTIVE STEPS
Be SMART and make your goals
- Specific – set a few specific goals
- Measurable – make sure the goal & progress are measureable
- Acheivable – make sure the goals are acheivealbe within a certain time frame
- Realistic – your goals should align with yuor values
- Timely – use realistic dates to check in on your goal
Choose Positive Words and Thoughts About Your Goals
curiosity, experimentation & learning
Drawing on the walls, throwing food on the floor, knocking things over, pushing all the buttons in the elevator! These toddlers are just being ‘curious’. Let’s ‘guide’ them and ‘give’ them the better option rather than just shutting them down. This puts our relationship currency in the relationship bank, forging close connections so…
When they are teenagers and start to become ‘curious’ about alcohol, smoking, sex, and drugs…hopefully we have formed a close connection so they are willing to take on out guidance or even better, ‘seek’ our guidance before they try something that could be dangerous.
I would like to share a personal story about curiosity, experimentation and learning.
This is an enlightening story about my now 24 year old mechanical engineering graduate.
When he was about 10 years old he was huge at conducting his own experiments, which, to me, was daunting.
Things like taking apart old phones, radios, cd players, trying to build them back together. Always mixing together different foods and drinks to see what would happen. One day he even wanted to take apart the old microwave and I had to put a stop to it!
I walked into my then ‘Parent Effective Training Class’.
*for the past 9 years I have been a certified instructor of these classes helping other parents with their curios cats!
I explained to the instructor that my son waits for a time when I am busy on a call, at dinner, or having company, goes into the kitchen and opens about 10 cans of soda, mixing them together, drinking about 2-3 glasses the concoctions before I catch him, and then, with all that sugar- literally bouncing off the walls!
She did not seem to think this was a huge problem. She immedatley asked
“ So what is your issue with this?”
I was a little offended by this question.
“Is it the fact that he is drinking so much soda? Money? Wastage?”
I thought about it and said “ Number one it’s way too much sugar, and number two, I don’t want to waste so much soda”
She said, “ Go home and tell him you like the fact that he is curious, and doing these experiments, and tell him he can have 3 cans of soda to mix any which way he wants, he can drink half a glass of which ever concoction he wants, once a week”
It worked!
I learned that kids should be curious, they can work within guidelines and boundaries if we don’t shut them down, and they will LEARN!
He is a born engineer/scientist
In case any of you are interested- he went on to graduate with flying colors with a degree in mechanical engineering and has chosen to be a journalist as a profession!
Clearly he may have been secretly writing about his experiments, because he is a fabulous writer and journalist!
Empowering kids
I recently read about
The Nutured Heart Approach Developed by Dr Howard Glasser . And this got me thinking…
Similar to my personal theory from my own experiences that bringing up a challenging child, a child with learning differences or any child who is ‘Spirited’ needs extra love, attention and nurturing to feel secure in this world and move forward with a high self esteem.
Some described Dr Glasser’s theory ‘behavior modification’, but it is a truth based approach needed to keep our kids safe in a respectful way.
Some may say my theory of extra love and attention can be slightly manipulative to keep your child close by, to have a strong connection and to hopefully keep your child grounded. When I say ‘grounded’ I mean that they keep themselves safe because they know how their safety directly affects you, the parent.
Many kids, especially with some learning differences such as ADHD are huge ‘risk takers’, given their high impulsivity factor.
They jump without thinking, and a close connection is extremely important in these situations as you hope they will think of the effects before jumping.
Parents with kids like these immediately understand what I am writing about.
Here are some strategies for enhancing good and appropriate behavior from your ‘spirited’ ‘high energy’ ‘autonomous’ child
- Change Negative Reinforcement to Positive Reinforcement
For example instead of saying ‘ No! You can’t have another chocolate’ I would say “ You’ve had a lot today so let’s put this aside and save it for tomorrow” (you can even put the chocolate/candy in a cup with your child’s name on it as this will build trust.
Much of the time kids want things immediately because they think they will NEVER have it if they don’t get it NOW.
And as parents of kids with ADHD and other LDs know – ‘No’ sometimes means nothing to these kids
2-No Punishments
When we ‘punish’ kids they will modify their behaviour because they are scared of having something taken away and scared of the harsh consequences. We want them to exhibit appropriate behaviour because they want to and we can instil this by offering ‘Positive Reinforcement’ such as using Positive I-Messages ex ‘ wow, you did a great job with cleaning up your room today’ and ‘ ‘Thank you for being on time for the school bus, it saved me from having to drop you and possibly being late for work’
“Catch your child being good” and they will be more likely to do it again.
Kids want to be good, they do, they may not know how & sometimes cannot regulate their emotions
3-Offer your child a ‘Say’ in their lives
one simple phrase
“ How do you feel about…“
Kids will feel respected & empowered
ex
“How do you feel about a half hour of video games during the week?”
“If I get my homework done, can I have another half hour please?”
“Another 20 minutes would work if you get your homework done”
“ok mom”
As opposed to
“ You only get half an hour of video games during the week!”
“what if I finish all my homework?”
“ I don’t care, this is the rule”
“ That’s unfair, you never listen to me”
Ex
“ I have a lot of work in the evenings now days, how do you feel about washing the dishes every other day”
“sure mom”
As opposed to
“ It’s your job to wash the dishes 3 times a week”
“But mom I have no time to chill”
“You don’t have a choice”
It’s one simple phrase.
When you do use it, be open, set clear boundaries and give clear explanations with reasons. Your kids deserve it
This makes them feel empowered, more likely to do what they have had a say in, raises self esteem, teaches them how to work within a team which build leadership skills, self regulation and so much more… It’s just one simple phrase
doubt
Doubt can be perceived negatively, but it doesn’t have to be.
Doubt is a common experience for both children and adults, although children may face it more frequently. It can be challenging for kids to navigate through their uncertainties on a daily basis.
Who is my best friend? Who may want to play with me in the playground? Which sport shall I play? Which subjects should I take? What shall I wear to school? What will the other kids think? Which colleges should I apply to? What do I want to be when I grow up? Will I be successful? Will he /she like me? Is marijuana dangerous? The list goes on and on…..Doubt, Doubt , Doubt…..
Small kids small decisions…Big kids huge decisions
I find it interesting to see the way mindfulness meditation teacher Sharon Salzburg explains doubt
She says there are two types of doubt
Skilful Doubt and Corrosive doubt
The first type of doubt which is skilful can actually protect you.
Ask questions that will help you give clarity
This is a healthy curiosity. If you have any doubt about a situation it helps you to grow when you start investigating on your own,
This can lead to making the right decision and possibly the best decision
“See for yourself what can be true or right”
Corrosive doubt
Halts exploration and weakens the curiosity
This is unhelpful
“What’s the point’? “I’ll never be able to do this.”
“ I don’t know how”
Pessimistic – this can never work for me
We have to look , examine & investigate
Find what’s really true and not just accept what someone tells us
This is a good life lesson for our kids
be your child’s advocate
As adults we can advocate for ourselves. Most likely, people will listen weather it be our parents, our bosses, friends, colleagues, partners…
Children should not be dismissed or ignored simply because they are young or may communicate in a less-than-ideal manner. It is essential to listen to them, understand their perspectives, and support their emotional growth.
Unfortunately this is not always the case especially in school.
So we can help advocate for our kids so they feel respected by us and they know that the way they feel is true and valid.
Through my own experience with my kids and through what I have heard from my clients in parenting classes, here are some examples…
INDIVIDUAL EDUCATION PLAN
It is crucial to ensure that all teachers and individuals interacting with a child who has an IEP (an Individual Education Plan) are aware of its existence and have been provided with a copy. Although this may not be mandatory in some locations, it is advisable to create and distribute a formatted IEP to ensure that all teachers are informed.
*We lived in Hong Kong where an IEP was unheard of 20 years ago, so I developed my own with the help of our psychologist, it worked well.
ANXIETY
Some kids feel embarrassed because they have to go to the bathroom too much or need to take breaks through the classes
From my experience , my son did not want to go to school because of this and so I went in and figured out a plan with his school where he was given a yellow card in each class- if he needed a break he would simply put the card on the teacher’s table and come back when he was ready, no questions asked.
ADHD AND OTHER LEARNING DIFFERENCES
If your child needs extra time on exams, we should go in there and make sure this is being done.
From my experience, some teachers allowed it and some didn’t and when my son tried to explain they just shut him down so I intervened.
In some cases parents need to be aggressive to get the right thing done
The list goes on
In summary, it is important to validate the feelings of children and ensure that their opinions and concerns are heard by authority figures. Equipping them with the skills to advocate for themselves is important as it is a life skill and because certain interactions with authorities are only legally allowed once they reach 18 years of age.
It is very important to tach our kids how to advocate for themselves as well. Once they are 18 and go to college or go to work, they need to know how to do this for themselves. Again, make this a teachable life skill.
**Read – ‘Children are people too’ by Dr Louise Porter
It’s a great book advocating for all kids.
What are some of your experiences with advocating for your child?
Empathy & Curiosity
Attending my daughter’s graduation ceremony was an incredibly proud moment. She earned a PhD in Psychology, and it made me realize that we must have instilled good values to have such a successful child. During the ceremony, the university dean spoke about the importance of empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand and feel compassion for others. It is a powerful trait that can positively impact the world. By treating others with kindness and without judgment, we can make a difference in their lives.
The dean also said that he would like to send the graduates off with an everlasting sense of ‘Curiosity’ and ‘ Healthy Disagreement’- these two factors are life changing, world changing
Embracing curiosity and persevering through failures is essential for making great discoveries.
So- let your babies, toddlers, teenagers and all be curious. This starts from babies exploring their surroundings, getting into everything, wanting to hold and touch and taste everything, this starts with your toddler writing on the wall to see what happens, pouring out the cereal onto the floor, jumping in puddles, playing in the sand, building sand castles on the beach…
My little would take apart all his toys and try to piece them back together, which moved onto taking apart old cell phones, toasters, radios, anything he could get his hands on to take a part and try and build back together. It turned out he is an engineer who built his own 3D printer from scratch
Let them be Curious! Sometimes it is hard so set boundaries but not roadblocks
Last but not least a ‘healthy disagreement ‘ is necessary to make any change, this leads to the best thought out possible outcome.
Let’s teach our children to be good debaters, always speak thru view while respecting other’s
They are our future
They are going to change the world
Give them the chance
School refusal
Why?
can we see this from our child’s perspective?
Children may have various emotional reasons for not wanting to go to school, such as not completing homework, not studying for a test, disliking their new assigned seat, not having trendy sneakers, feeling tired, or missing their best friend. These occurrences are common among most children over the years, and parents usually manage to persuade them to go to school, even if they are a bit late.
What happens if you cannot convince them to go to school? They may resist and become very upset, leading to a situation where you have to physically bring them to school. This situation occurs regularly, and as a result, they end up spending hours in the bathroom or the nurse’s office. Consequently, they get in trouble for not attending class, which leads to them being sent to the principal’s office. Additionally, other children might start excluding them, teasing them, or bullying them, causing them emotional distress. Perhaps they even behave in a disruptive manner that results in them being sent home or, ideally, receiving a suspension. In such cases, they may feel relieved that they don’t have to go to school.
There are three types of ‘school refusal’ or ‘school avoidance’…
1- Children refusing to go to school due to being the first day of the school year or actually going to school for the first time – completely normal as anything new is scary…slowly they get used to it and hopefully are happy to go.
2-Actual ‘School Phobia’ due to something that has happened at school such as being bullied, fear of a teacher, or scared of not being ‘good enough’ in gym class, etc- we can talk to our kids about this and find a way to help them.
3-‘School Refusal/Avoidance’ due to high anxiety of leaving the parents, leaving the house… This Is Real…Anxiety is a diagnosable disorder and can severely effect ones ability to live a normal life.These kids Want to go to school but cannot bring themselves to leave their parents or their home. You may see them getting distressed when you leave the house, they start to withdraw, stop wanting to meet friends. This can happen at any age, this can happen to adults as well. There are many issues that can lead to this high state of anxiety.
parent advocacy
As someone who lacks the expertise of a psychologist, I believe it is crucial for parents to consult professionals when confronted with significant signs of anxiety in their children or young adults. Drawing from my own personal encounters, I have come to comprehend that there can be various factors contributing to ‘School Refusal & High Anxiety’, including identifiable conditions like ADHD, Dyslexia, and other types of learning differences. It is imperative to recognize these underlying issues and seek appropriate guidance from trusted experts in the field.
In my limited understanding, I have come to realize that individuals who encounter a combination of high working memory and low processing speed may be more prone to experiencing school refusal. It is important for parents of children or young adults to consult with a professional if they notice severe symptoms of anxiety.
Is the word rebellious always a bad thing?
The first question we ask in the parent training session is
‘What kind of person do you want your 18 year old to be? What kind of person do you want to send out into this world?
The answers are usually never ending…. independent, family orientated, trustworthy, polite, friendly, helpful, empathetic, kind, compassionate, resilient, honest, healthy, *to have a sense of healthy rebellion*
How can we do this? can we just say ” you have to be a polite person” or can we model it and instill this in our family values?
The more connected we are to our children it is so much easier to guide them towards the healthy path. Connections are made from birth through respecting your child’s needs. From birth children have the right to get their needs met and deserve love and respect. As they grow their need for curiosity and autonomy start presenting and then the need for socialization and more autonomy and a right to say what their likes and dislikes are while still needing the love and support of the parents and family, and then they grow into the ‘terrible teens’ where they want complete independence and thats where the most connection is necessary. The key is to keep depositing relationship money into the relationship bank from day one so that when they are 18 and go out into this great big world they walk on the right path knowing they are completely supported. That they are completely supported even though they will modify our family values into their own and thats ok.
*Healthy Rebellion – I love this term. We look upon the word ‘rebellious’ as a negative thing. But have we ever stopped to think about the fact that ‘not all people of authority are good’ We need to teach out kids that it’s ok to ‘question authority’ so that they are safe. Gone are the days when all policemen, teachers, doctors…are good safe people. Let’s teach our kids to have a sense of ‘healthy rebellion’ to keep them safe.
June 25th 2023
Can we ‘listen’ to our kids?
From experience I notice that the biggest transformation in communication with my children came from the ability to ‘really listen to them’. It’s amazing how we just don’t! Until we do!
Have you ever heard your kids say… ” you will never understand” , “You’re not listening to me” , ” I know she’s not listening!”, “You didn’t even hear what I said!” …leads to…door slams, frustration, anxiety, helplessness, TANTRUMS!
Definition of a Tantrum (at any age) …The build up of overlooked emotions… ex: “Mommy I am scared” “you’ll be fine” ex: “I am really nervous about this exam” “You’re so smart, you’ll do fine”
Can we try to really listen to out kids and see how our communication changes? We can do this through Passive Listening such as when we can see our kids are having a problem or exhibiting high emotions such as anxiety, fear, helplessness, hurt…Can we show them the same compassion we may show a good friend. Close our phones, put them down, put down the newspaper, the book, close the TV show eye to eye contact, zip our mouths and listen to them…really listen, show them that you care, feedback the congruent emotion to what they are exhibiting. Come back with ‘wow that sounds hard’ , ‘I can see how that makes you nervous’,’I’m here if you need me’. We want to ‘Listen’ to our kids of all ages whether they are upset about their lost blue lego piece, the game they lost at school, the friend that did not share with them, the birthday party they were not invited to, the boy that did not call them, the math test they are concerned about … anything and everything at all ages.
Active Listening is the goal done through a lot of practice. Feel free to read about it here *contact me for more information on classes in parenting and active listening
‘Little kids Little Problems, Big Kids Big Problems’ It’s so true!
If we ‘listen’ to our kids about their blue lego piece when they are 6 years old and they feel heard; they will be ready to talk to us about the party that may have alcohol when they are 16 years old…We Circle back to ‘Depositing Relationship Currency into our Relationship Bank’
June 26th 2023
Can’t Focus for too long? How can i get my work done?Is the ‘Big Picture’ daunting?…Try this…
the pomodoro technique
This is a very simple and useful technique for everyone! Developed by Francesco Cirillo in the 1980’s. He used a tomato shaped kitchen timer to break work down into intervals. Simple and smart! This is a great method to teach your kids who find it hard to focus for a long period of time and actually has been proven to produce a higher standard of work from all aspects…Simply set the task, set the timer for about 25 minutes, when the timer rings, take a 5-10 minute break, reset timer for 25 minutes, take a 5-10 minute break, and so on…
Depending on the age and stage of the child you may set the timer accordingly ex . for a 6 year old you may set the timer to 10 minutes with a 3-4 minute break.
This technique works with everyone of all ages and especially useful for kids/adults with ADHD
June 27th 2023
What are your core values?
Once we have kids it’s time to think about our ‘core’ value system. What makes us do what we do? Act like we act? What kind of person are we? We circle back to ‘ What kind of person do your want to see of your child at 18 years old?’ We can’t just tell them that they have to be a ‘good & caring person’ , we have to model it and deeper than that; instill these core values and engrain them into your child from a young age.
How can we do this?
We can start instilling ‘Values’ from a very young age, for example ” eating healthy is very important”, “exercise is very important in keeping your body healthy “, “smoking is bad for you”. Show your kids an image of a healthy lung and an unhealthy lung, take your kids to the supermarket and let them choose a range of different colored fruits and vegetables. Studies show that when kids are involved in making choices, they are more likely to stick to them.
It is simple…If you want your kids to be polite then ‘be polite’. If you want your kids to be honest then ‘ be honest (with them)’. If you want your kids to be helpful then ‘be helpful’
When they are young we can start talking about things like ‘why college is so important (if it is important to you) , political views, what your views are on marriage, living together, sex, drugs. There is so much information we can pass onto our children according to their age and stage.
Do it! Don’t let time go by without trying to instill your family values. They may choose to hear your and potentially modify your value, and thats ok, as long as they know what your values are. This is Invaluable.
What are your core values?
What values from your parents have you chosen to modify?
Food for thought
Be The Parent You Want To Be 