“It’s the ‘spirited’ kids—the ones who can’t hear ‘no,’ who push boundaries, the risk-takers and the autonomous ones—who, if guided gently and respectfully, will change the world.”
–Shalini Melwani
‘Four fifths of children appear to be “dandelions”, who can thrive in most environments. The remaining fifth are “orchids”, who are more exquisite and unusual and have a higher potential than dandelions – but for this to be realised they require a particular environment and careful gardening.’
- Thomas Boyce
In a bustling Hong Kong of two decades ago, a mother embarks on a passionate journey to support her son, who faces the challenges of ADHD in an environment that often feels overwhelming. With a spine of steel and a heart full of love, she navigates the complexities of parenting an anxious child, determined to secure the accommodations he needs to thrive.
As she confronts social misconceptions, limited resources, and a lack of a solid support system, she battles the daily struggles of advocating for her son’s needs in a city that often overlooks the importance of mental health.
This narrative explores the depths of a parent’s duty, surprisingly strong determination, and her life’s mission to secure a happy future for her child against all odds.
People would tell me that I am a great mom; so patient and understanding, and that I am unique to be “sacrificing” my time. My response is that I am doing what a mom is supposed to do out of love and care for her child.
Aren’t moms supposed to fight tooth and nail to make sure their kids live their best life?
Aren’t moms supposed to give their all and search the world for what their child needs?
I don’t think what I did was anything special; I did what I had to do to keep this child on track and happy and made sure I left no stone unturned for the help we needed. It was my privilege and pleasure, although tough, but a pleasure to be doing this for my son. A lively, fun, risky, loud child with so much spirit– so full of life and emotion.
I initially adopted my mom’s parenting style, which was ‘when I say sit, you sit’—a style I wouldn’t recommend now, as I believe children should be treated with more respect. And the older two sat! This one did not sit!
My third child is the one who changed my life, the one who wouldn’t accept ‘no’ without a full explanation. I quickly learned the phrase “positive reinforcement.” This made me realize that the world is full of judgmental people, and I was probably one of them! I learned that people have differences that must be respected, and the greatest lesson I learned was that one must always be kind to others, no matter how they may be acting, as we don’t know what their lives are like or what they may be going through. This was, at that time and many times afterward, a reflection of myself.
I could be talking to someone, and the only thing going through my mind was, “How am I going to get my son to school tomorrow? Will he ever graduate high school? Will he ever go to college? Will he get a job? Will he be invited to the next birthday party?”
ADHD and extreme generalised anxiety didn’t have a place in Hong Kong schools other than being labelled as naughty, lazy, or being told he doesn’t have a choice. When my anxious 10-year-old refused to enter school, kicking and screaming, I finally gave in. It became my life’s mission to educate myself on anxiety, ADHD, and oppositional defiance through books, psychologists, psychiatrists, parent groups, counsellors, parent advocates, and parenting classes. I built my own Individual Education Plans and accommodations; I didn’t let anyone or anything stand in my way. My child was going to have the best education with teachers who respected him, and I would be there to make sure of that. Standing guard, dismissing judgments, and building my spine of steel, I was a mom on a mission to advocate for my son.
This crusade of mine, consisting of me and me alone, was full of mixed emotions: loneliness, hopelessness, sometimes feeling deflated, but also empowered, determined, and invincible!
I withdrew from many social situations because I didn’t want to meet people who didn’t understand what I was going through. Someone could be talking about the state of the world, and I would be thinking about my next step in getting my son to open his mouth at the dentist. It was all-consuming, but I didn’t see this as a sacrifice, which is what many would label it as. I viewed it as my privilege as a mom. It was hard, but I gained strength and determination through all the love and protection a mother feels for her children.
Through this journey, I found the “angels” who supported us—the dentist who allowed my son to come in twice just to look around, ask questions, and touch all the instruments. He let my son bring his own movie to watch during the procedures and explained everything step by step, answering all questions without hesitation and pausing when prompted. There were also the teachers who understood our struggles and supported us through home-schooling, allowing us to come in whenever my son was ready. The tutoring centre tailored a full school day for him, and the psychologist who never gave up, guiding me every step of the way. Of course, the friends standing on the wayside waiting for a chance to jump in and help.
It’s crucial to find these “angels” to help in such situations, most importantly the ones living at home in the thick of it. My two older kids were incredibly supportive, being extremely helpful and patient throughout this journey. My husband, the loving dad, was thrown into this whirlwind with us, supporting as best as he knew how, acting as co-captain, which suited us well. He was always there when needed, sometimes just to catch us when we fell.
Sometimes, when you’re searching for answers, you come across an outlier. I heard someone speak at a TEDx presentation on education and was completely inspired by his speech about learning differently. He was the principal of a school in the UK, and I asked him for a coffee. His first question, after hearing my story and my despair with school, was life changing. It stopped me in my tracks and was something I had never considered before.
“Why is it so important to you that your son attend a traditional school every day?”
This was a loaded question that got me thinking: Why does he have to attend school? By this time, he was 15 years old, just starting his GCSEs, and experiencing so much anxiety that he could not make it to school. He studied hard at home, tried to keep up with all his classes, and received all the work from his teachers to do on his own. He was up to date on school, world events, and being the engineer that he is, he knew everything about everything—from why a bird flies up or down to how to build a 3D printer.
Why is “school,” the traditional institution created over 400 years ago, still considered the correct pathway for all kids? This question prompted me to think deeply, and I decided to take a leap of faith.
That leap of faith was the right decision, just as all the others before and after it were. I did fall flat on my face with a few attempts and probably set us back a few steps, but I chose to leap forward and consider it a learning process.
My intuition and gut feeling, along with my love and respect for my child, were all I needed. Together, we cleared the path ahead.
A key point is that “I took the back seat while he got into the driver’s seat, and he has been driving ever since into the next decade. There have been some bumps along the way, but those bumps build character and prepare you for life’s experiences.” Sometimes, when we are too engrossed in our kids’ lives and keep trying to “fix” things, we can actually cause damage. We need to find that balance.
The values my older kids witnessed throughout this journey are immeasurable; they see our struggles, learn from our resilience, and feel the strength of our bond. I see this not only in their personal lives but also in their professional values; my daughter has since gone on to become a clinical psychologist working in Hong Kong, helping children and adults to see the colour and strength in diversity.
It’s the “spirited” kids—the ones who can’t hear “no,” who push boundaries, the risk-takers and the autonomous ones—who, if guided gently and respectfully, will change the world.
As I reflect on our journey with my son, it becomes clear that the traditional educational system often overlooks the unique needs of children like him—those with ADHD, anxiety, and other learning differences. For many, school is not just a place of learning but a battleground where they struggle with social and academic challenges. The conventional classroom approach often clashes with various learning styles, creating frustration and low self-esteem. This journey, and others like it, can demonstrate the greatness and resilience of these kids when given the right settings and accommodations to thrive.
Executive function skills, which are primarily governed by the prefrontal cortex, play a major role in a child’s ability to navigate school. These skills—organisation, processing speed, working memory, emotional regulation, planning, focus, and time management—are crucial for success in school and daily life. The prefrontal cortex of the brain does not fully develop until about 26 years old, and kids with ADHD are generally three to five years behind. This developmental delay is a major factor that can cause high anxiety in these children and potentially lead to school refusal.
For parents of children with ADHD, understanding the importance of educational psychological assessments is crucial for effective learning and emotional well-being. These assessments provide a comprehensive evaluation of a child’s cognitive abilities, strengths, and challenges, particularly concerning the executive function skills.. By obtaining an assessment, parents can gain valuable insights into their child’s specific needs, allowing for tailored interventions that make both school and home life more manageable.
Accommodations based on these assessments can significantly enhance a child’s learning experience. For instance:
– Organisational challenges can be addressed using visual schedules and color-coded folders that help children keep track of assignments and materials.
– Strategies to improve processing speed may include extended time for tests and assignments, allowing children to demonstrate their knowledge without the pressure of strict time limits.
– Working memory issues can be mitigated using mnemonic devices or by breaking down tasks into smaller, more manageable steps.
– Furthermore, emotional regulation can be supported by implementing calming techniques, such as mindfulness exercises or designated quiet spaces in the classroom and at home, where children can regroup when feeling overwhelmed.
This experience led me to my new career path over a decade ago. I am a certified parent coach and teacher trainer working with parents, teachers, and counsellors on positive communication with children. I utilise universal, scientifically backed communication skills such as active listening, collaborative problem-solving, and preventive “I” messages, to name a few, which are effective with all kids. This approach is particularly beneficial for children with ADHD and mild learning differences, as these children are often sensitive and spirited. They thrive on respect and clear communication, which helps them feel understood and valued.
In conclusion, this journey has not only transformed my life but has also equipped me with the tools to support others in their parenting and teaching efforts. By fostering positive communication, we can create environments where children feel safe to express themselves and explore their potential. It is my hope that through this work, we can empower both children and adults to navigate their challenges together, building stronger relationships and fostering resilience and success in the process.
Parenting Empowered 
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